Current mood:	stressed
Current music:	"Science Fiction, Double Feature" -Rocky Horror

"We didn't... say... anything..."
I just want this whole thing to be over. This whole... thing. No matter what I do, it feels like I'm drowning and I can't keep my head above the water. I'm a bad student, a bad director, and a bad girlfriend, and if I succeed at one I fail at the others. When I try to balance them, I fail at all three.

So I was doing fine in school and I try to direct this play. I'm in the middle of the play and all of a sudden I'm dating Brandon. I'm in love with Brandon... just so far beyond anything imaginable... which is even more exhausting because I think about him all the time and I should be thinking of school or of the play. I don't want to take a break from him- I want to take a break from college, from directing. I have two grueling weeks ahead of me and one of my leads doesn't know his lines. I'm a bad person for ignoring my boyfriend and that led him to other things... and I blame myself more than I blame him for it. I'm the idiot, I screw everything up, it's become doctrine or something. I want to stab J in the heart because that's how it felt when I heard what happened... and now I have to direct him and smile at him and endure his ice cold hugs and pretend to make out with him later. What the hell kind of life is this?

All day I'm back and forth to this or that, then I have a break and I deal with Rocky Horror, then off to another class and then- oh!- rehearsal. Then I come back and stay up with Brandon because it's the only time we have together, I'm exhausted the next day, Laura bitches at me, Sarah pisses me off... I can't appease anyone. My cast probably hates me because the play isn't up to par and it's my fault... Brandon probably hates me because I'm so emotional and take things too hard and don't pay him enough attention... my friends hate me because I spend no time with them and they try to convince me I'm spreading myself too thin. I am. I know I am. But for the next two weeks, there's no way around it, and I'll just have to endure it. You know? I'm doing my best in my classes, I'm killing myself over everything, I'm putting 100% of my efforts into the play and 75% effort into my classes and I like to think it's 100% for Brandon... and that adds up to far too much stress. I can't keep doing this to myself... but I have to. I have to do this. I have to do well in my classes so I can graduate and become a yuppie and all that shit... I have to do well so I won't get bitched at by my friends... I have to do the play because I'll be wasting money otherwise and letting everyone down... I have to be with Brandon because I love him more than anything, despite whatever happened, and I couldn't deal with NOT being with him. I don't know. I just have to... sleep... or something.

xoxoxo
Ali